The Importance of Nurturing Relationships For Overall Child Development
Real World Survival Guide For Your Kids and Yourself.
Yes, toys and other technology can be very useful for child development. Learning their ABC’s, 123’s, colors, shapes and all other educational topics is very important, but also very given. Us parents tend to focus more on teaching the educational side of things that we forget the other half of what makes us humans. How about building trust? Independence? Responsibility? Problem solving skills? Self-regulation? Emotion awareness? Everything that is essential for surviving into the real world. Things that money can’t buy. Critical skills that will help them in the future that most schools don’t teach.
Children’s relationships is the main foundation for learning and development. Interactions with people and the environment cause connections in the brain to form and strengthen (National Scientific Council on the Developing Child, 2004). It affects ALL areas and stages such as executive functioning:
Self-awareness
Inhibition
Non-verbal working memory
Verbal working memory
Emotional self-regulation
Self-motivation
Planning and problem solving
Yup, needless to say, positive relationships are very important to our babies and it all starts with us. People who are constantly around them 24/7. Specifically, the first 5 years of their life when their brain creates the most stimulation and learning opportunities. So here I am, writing this blog, to inform you all about nurturing relationships. WHAT it is, WHY it’s important and HOW to apply this with our kids and ourselves.
**DISCLAIMER: EVERY CHILD AND PARENTING STYLES ARE DIFFERENT. DO WHAT WORKS FOR YOU. AFTER 10 YEARS OF WORKING WITH CHILDREN AND THEIR FAMILIES, THIS IS WHAT I FOUND TO BE THE MOST EFFECTIVE PROCESS IN CREATING POSITIVE CHILD DEVELOPMENT. I OBSERVED THAT PARENTS WHO BUILDS A NURTURING RELATIONSHIP WITH THEIR CHILD CREATES A MORE LONG LASTING POSITIVE RESULT**
Ok, first off, WHAT does it mean to create a “nurturing relationship”? Long story short, it means providing that TENDER LOVING CARE (TLC). No, not the TLC – CHASING WATERFALL song, but TLC as in providing maximized attention to a person. Being fully present. Listen with curiosity. Be considerate. Compassionate. Empathetic. Patient. Trustworthy. Self-reliant. Everything else in between.
Nurture is an environmental variable such as:
Childhood experiences
How we are raised
Social relationships/influences
Surrounding culture
WHY choose to nurture our kids and ourselves? Nurturing relationships is what shapes beliefs and upbringing. When things get tough in life, this is what we will turn back to. Although nurturing relationships create a positive foundation for our kids, it becomes more of a guidance. In the end, it’ll be up to them and us on how we want to use this and who we want to become.
Now let’s begin with the HOW. How do we create this nurturing relationships with our children and ourselves?
Validate feelings and emotions: letting them express their emotions without judging, interrupting, abandoning and criticizing. Show them the importance of feeling heard and being understood. Putting yourself in their shoes. Don’t “shame” talk them (blaming & guilt trip). “Shame is the secret behind many forms of broken behavior” – Brené Brown. Show them that it is okay to feel all kinds of emotions. It is okay to feel angry, sad or confuse. It is okay not to be okay sometimes. It is what we do with those emotions that’s important.
FOLLOW THROUGH: say what you mean, mean what you say. When you say “after you clean up, we will go get your favorite ice cream”, go ahead and actually get the freaking ice cream. Why? Put it this way. If your work boss says “i’ll give you that promotion after you finish this project” and don’t do what he says he’ll do, how would YOU feel? After doing all that work and not get what that promotion. Yup, that is exactly how your kid will feel. Same goes for establishing rules with your children. Create consequences, either a praise or punishment, whatever works for your parenting style AND FOLLOW THROUGH WITH IT. Consistency is key.
Being present: those times where you sat next to them while being on your phone is sadly not considered “bonding time”. Play with the kid. Laugh with them. Be silly! Talk to them with more than just one word answers. Ask them how their day went. Imagine talking to your significant other, venting about your day and how tough it was. Meanwhile, your partner is just scrolling through Instagram/Facebook/Tik-tok saying “MHM” “OH REALLY?” “YEAH..” “WOW” “OKAY”. If that wouldn’t piss you off, then I don’t know what will. The more you ignore a child, the more they will grow up wanting attention from other people.
Physical affection: okay, I know what you’re thinking. Not everyone likes this. Don’t worry, me either. Not everyone likes hugs or kisses, but once in a while, us humans do need this. Our kids need this. You’d be surprise what a simple hug or tons of kisses can do. According to Psychology Today (2013), Physical Affection can:
release feel-good hormones
predict marital love
lower blood pressure
create trustworthy
reduce stress hormones
increase relationship satisfaction
OVERALL, CREATE A BETTER MOOD.
Highlight their successes, not their failures: I get it. It becomes easy for us to yell or punish a child when they have done something wrong. Especially when they are throwing a tantrum in the middle of the toy aisle. Guess what? the more you yell at them or say what they are doing is “bad” will not make things any better. Instead, wait it out. Don’t give any attention to the inappropriate behavior. Once they show that appropriate behavior, give them ALL the positive attention. Once your kid stops the tantrum in the middle of that toy aisle, say “I like the way you calmed down. Awesome job! Do you want to pick out your toy now?”. Praise the good behavior. Ignore the inappropriate behavior. The important thing is to keep things consistent in order to see any change in their behavior. If someone you knew always brought up your failures, wouldn’t you be annoyed too? Same goes for your kids.
Learn to nurture yourself: it all begins with us. Everything that I’ve mentioned up there, you also have to do for yourself. If we can’t take care of ourselves, what more for other people?
Validate your own emotions. When you are feeling angry or sad, stop for a minute and think why all this is happening. Give yourself a break.
Follow through with the things you want to do. Want to travel? TRAVEL. Want to eat that cake after working out? EAT THAT CAKE! Want to party after a long day of doing work? GO AHEAD AND PARTY WITH YOUR FRIENDS. If you tell yourself you will do something as a reward after a challenging day, DO IT.
Be present with yourself. Reflect on your day. Create healthy habits. Meditate. Yoga. Research on Mindfulness suggests that learning the skill of “Being in the Now” can actually change the way our brains process information so that there is more activity in brain centers involved with processing positive emotions, and more interconnections between right and left hemispheres and the cortex and limbic systems (Psychology Today, 2012).
Love yourself. Go to that spa you’ve been putting off. Go get your nails done. Go to the gym. Go grab some drinks with your friends. Go eat your favorite meal. Take that pilates/dance class you’ve been wanting to join. Treat yourself. It’s okay to take a break from reality.
Little humans rely on us so much that it is so important to be that role model for them. You think they don’t listen, understand or know what they are doing, BUT THEY DO. They replicate everything that they see, hear or feel from the people they meet. From the people they are constantly with. We’re all humans and we are NOT perfect in any way (even though some of us would like to think so). We make mistakes every single day, but if there is any way we can better ourselves and learn from those mistakes, why not take that opportunity?
